Who doesn’t love lists? There are multiple films out there that will bastardize your feeble little minds and send others into a frenzy. I feel they’re worth mentioning. Normally, I am the elitist type that enjoys being a part of the few that has seen these films but lately I have enjoyed sharing. Here are a few films that will pervert your mind. I explained how I came across some of these films in my younger years and what stood out to me the most.
This dubbed re-edit was one of the last films on the Video Nasty list I was able to get a copy of three years ago. It wasn’t actually on the DPP list but it did receive an X-Rating for all the blood splatter. Not everyone is a fan of Japanese splatter films and those that are call this edition a mockery of the Lone Wolf and Cub series. Well, I’ve never seen Lone Wolf and Cub and I quite enjoyed Shogun Assassin. In fact, I thought it was a lot of fun. There’s so much blood shed, it’s no wonder why this was considered a nasty, We get decapitation, heads split in half, stomachs ripped open, severed limbs, impalement, and did I mention copious amounts of blood spray? It’s an interesting samurai survivor tale about father and son mixed with paranoia and it also features female martial arts! Some of my favorite fight scenes featured women.
Also known as Diary of a Space Virgin and The Girl from Starship Venus, this is a favorite of Quentin Tarantino. He often introduces it at film festivals. I cannot blame him. What’s not to love with these XXX movies that feature gratuitous nudity and humor? That being said, I remember the cinematography being pretty gritty and it’s low quality. Ah, but isn’t the low quality one of the things we love about these crap films? The story follows a Venusian lady that lands on Earth to explore sex! The film stars nude German model, Monika Ringwald. Unfortunately, this was her only lead role but she had several bit parts in 70s cinema. She was even on The Kink’s album “Preservation Act 2.” Her career was short lived as she retired in 1978. Makes you wonder what she’s doing now. The director, Derek Ford, made a lot of exploitation films and he even made an appearance as a circus Santa Claus in Don’t Open Till Christmas.
I just got around to watching this feature a few weeks ago because I heard it was fucking crazy and that a woman gets raped by a “beast-like thing.” Plus, I am a huge fan of Alfred Sole. Curiosity killed the cat. What a strange movie. It’s actually an ape, not a beast and the rape scene at the end was in slow motion and complete crap. Don’t confuse me for one of those sickos that gets off on bestiality. Just saying. I don’t see what the big deal is. I guess it’s the “idea.” The film stars Princes ex lover “Vanity” also known as DD Winters, who plays the role of Tanya. Tanya is a model who is stuck on an island where her man-friend and an ape are fighting over her. Her man-friend is one abusive mother fucker. I cannot understand the attraction. It’s all a dream. Scratch that, a fucking nightmare. Tanya is raped twice. Once by her abusive boyfriend and shortly after by the ape. I don’t understand the message of the film. It did remind me of the French film The Beast. That strange film’s message is that a woman can get off to dreams of being raped by a beast. Now THAT movie had some explicit bestiality sex. That thing shoots gallons of jizz all over her. I felt gross for watching it but tried to view it as a work of art.
Violation of the Bitch:
This bizarre erotic triangle came straight out of Spain by a unique director I have come to love. None other than Jose Ramon Larraz. He has a few titles to his name that I was entertained by. This edition was colorful and mystifying. A gypsy girl has the same nightmares over and over of a naked dude on a horse who rapes her. Eventually, naked horse dude appears in reality. As strange as this all sounds, it’s actually a very erotic and artistic film.
Don’t Answer the Phone:
The reason why this title has managed to earn a spot on my list is because it’s fucking sick. I had this on VHS a few years ago but I sold it. *cries* I wish I hadn’t because even the cover was sublime. The infamous “DON’T” films are all cheap, sleazy, and entertaining horror flicks that will never be forgotten. This one is about a Vietnam vet and a photographer that terrorize a town by strangling young women and stalking a psychologist with her own radio show. She gets a lot of interesting phone calls about their sexual problems and misogyny. Many horror fans look up to Nicholas Worth as a God. His performance was brilliant. He spends a lot of time talking to himself in the mirror. Something that made me laugh. Man, I wish I hadn’t gotten rid of it.
The Extra Terrestrial Nastie:
Extremely low rated and also known as Night Fright, I wouldn’t expect much out of this piece. I saw the cover years ago and yearned for a copy. It wasn’t exactly what I expected. It’s about a government space experiment gone wrong that creates a monster who terrorizes a community. It’s ridiculous, silly, and far from believability but aren’t most films? The location and photography certainly add a little something to the film and I was impressed with the effects on the monster for it being created in the late 60s. You may enjoy this kind of film with a group of friends and a shot overtime you see a idea stolen from another movie.
Girl on a Motorcycle:
Believe it or not, this is actually one of my favorite films. It’s psychedelic and artsy with the ever so erotic swinging 60s! The only downside is that this woman talks too much! I’ve never been a fan of chick chatter. So at times it’s a little pretentious. But it’s Marianne Faithful for fucks sake. She rides around on her motorcycle in sexy leather gear while thinking about her relationship with two men. She’s married but a man named Heidelberg has her heart. The two have that kind of relationship that is electrifying. If you don’t understand what I mean then I feel sorry for you because it means you have not experienced this. You know when you feel so connected with another person, when they touch you it feels like electricity is sparking throughout your entire body. It just feels right. Her husband is a little on the dork side and doesn’t appetitize her or else she wouldn’t be off with Heidelberg. You don’t want to miss out on this! So happy to have it in my collection.
When I was a child I had night terrors. My mother said it’s because I watched too many horror movies. Meh. It’s rare that I have nightmares anymore but when I do I usually wake up so scared, I even get paranoid and think something is in my bedroom. You can ask Chris, when this happens I turn over and cuddle with him. Cuddling is not something I enjoy doing. A girl needs her space. Emotionally, there’s not much here anymore but I do my best. What I am getting at is that this film actually gave me nightmares. There weren’t any monsters in the film or my dream but Bernice Stegers scares the shit out of me. Her performance is so surreal and so psychotic it actually scared me. Someone give this woman a trophy. Lamberto Bava is coming to Texas Frightmare Weekend. You can imagine how exciting this is for me since he’s one of my favorite directors. When you think “Italian directors” you easily picture Argento and Fulci but you cannot forget the Bavas. The film centers around unfaithful Jane who is traumatized from the death of her man-friend. She even continues the adulterous acts after his death by keeping his head refrigerated. In one scene, she starts making out with the head. Scratch that, not making out, she’s licking all over that nasty thing. I wanted to hurl but that’s because I am pregnant. It has been harder for me to watch films. What I remember the most after watching this in my younger years is that two child drownings occur. Jane has a peculiar daughter that drowns her son. In fact, her son is killed right before her lover is killed. I would be traumatized as well but I wouldn’t keep his head and how in the hell did she get access to that thing? Her daughter eventually pays for her vicious acts. Oh did I just spoil it? It’s inspired by true events. I must find out what this is “loosely” based off of. You have to see this epic piece for the brilliant acting performance alone. Bernice gets under your skin. The film has so many different VHS covers that I like, it’s hard to pick a favorite. I want one of these posters on my wall but will have to save it for when I have my own room for collectibles, toys, and horror memorabilia. When you have kids, these things change.
Lemora: A Child’s Tale of the Supernatural:
I have amalgamated pleasure for this film. There are things I like and dislike about it. I think it accumulated its eminence from being so obscure and hard to get your hands on. I remember it airing on television when I was younger. I saw bits and pieces of it and it took me years to figure out what it was called. Now I own it. I never thought Cheryl Smith (RIP) was that attractive but she was definitely alarming and creepy in this feature. Lesley Taplin also passed away in 2009. She didn’t have much of a career but will always be remembered by cult fans like myself. In Lemora, she pays a young girl who goes back to her hometown to see her gangster father but she gets caught up in a world of vampires and witchery. I also felt there was a strange lesbian and pedophiliac relationship between Lemora and Lila. This isn’t a gory or bloody film but you will enjoy the eerie atmosphere as well as the haunting and creepy vibe.
Wild at Heart:
Wild at Heart is one of the strangest love stories of all time based on the novel titled “Wild at Heart” and created by the corrupt mind of David Lynch. There are so many connections between Elvis and the Wizard of Oz mixed with the hell world we live in and undying love. The performances are amazing! This is why I get defensive when people say Nicholas Cage is a bad actor. What the fuck are you talking about? Have you even SEEN this movie? I especially love his work in 80s cinema. Laura Dern is a sexual being that you instantly fall in love with. Her actual mother, Diane Ladd, plays her mother in the film and she will scare the shit out of you. I could ramble on about these actors for hours but I will save it for my review. Personally, I feel like this is David Lynches best work and it even won an award at the Cannes Film Festival. If you’re a fan of True Romance and Natural Born Killers, then you must see Wild at Heart. At least see it for the graphic sex scenes, visual styling, and Willem Dafoe’s stumpy teeth. Not to mention, the sound! Watch it with surround sound because they did an incredible job with the sound. Every time a match strikes it sounds like an explosion. Even the opening credits are loud!