Ode to VHS: The Kiss

The eighties sure does have a lot of cheese. One of the more memorable examples for me is The Kiss. It’s totally guilty of having cheesy moments. Especially that ridiculous cat running around and massive eye brows that seem to have a mind of their own. The extreme hair on most of the actors in the film was by far the scariest thing about the film. It may be predictable and submissive, necessitating its obscurity, but it’s still a guilty pleasure. The film only grossed a little over $1, 800, 000. My review is quite short because I don’t have too many thoughts to elaborate on.

The film opens with young Felice is being shipped off because she is ‘unwell.’ Her sister promises to look over her cross. Monkeys are freaking out from the presence of the little girl. She and the older lady on the train fall asleep. The woman awakens, goes crazy, drips blood from her mouth, chokes the girl and her hand is rotting flesh. She then kisses the girl (gross.) After they have reached their destination the train stops and the woman’s flesh has rotted off. I tried to explain the opening scene is quick as possible because I really really have to pee. Years later, Aunt Felice emerges as breezy yet mysterious at first. She’s now a super model and obviously weird. She calls her sister to tell her that it’s time to pass the ‘curse’ onto her niece. The mother protests but her decision is now void since her leg is severed, which actually kills her. Eventually, the bitch is exposed her true intentions come to shore. Felice turns out to be an undead augurer raging dragon cunt who must pass on the generic curse, by a nice big wet kiss,  to her niece, Amy,  before she wastes away. A young Meredith Salenger delivers a decent performance as Amy. I’ve always been fond of Merideth Salenger but her character in the film annoyed me. The girl just wanted fritos and a Diet Coke! Her admirer has a laughable performance and I refer to him as Mr. Ponytail. Why does Mr. Ponytail always die when he’s trying to be noble? Stop being noble Mr. Ponytail! Salenger is weirded out by Felice’s constant staring and touching, as any normal girl would. Felice and daddy get to hot steamy love making and Pecula is actually carrying a nice package. I was a little grossed out by the fact that Salenger bleeds all over her school desk in the middle of the sexual session. The bad guy loses and the ending is some what ambiguous. Pecula and Salenger have a show down by the pool. A snake like thing comes out of Felice, and the effects aren’t that bad. This is lacking in cinematic merit but I still cannot look away. Exchanging an evil snake like creation from one female host to another by a kiss tends to get your attention.

If you can overlook that extremely ludicrous looking mangy cat that keeps appearing throughout the film, the effects are actually well-done by some of the guys who worked on The Fly and Scanners. That thing was like Critters on crack. It does have a nifty and savage escalator scene but I was disappointed. One of Amy’s friends gets her necklace caught on the escalator and her face is cut up pretty bad. You see small clumps of guts and hair but that’s about it. Disappointing.

Eventually, we learn scissors through the neck…..not gonna cut it! Doesn’t kill her. Favorite lines in the film; “You can’t kill something that’s already dead.” With a reply like, “You wanna fucking bet?”  

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